BJ Harris’

As most of you know, Katie and I just returned from spending two weeks in China. (I actually have a good excuse for going two weeks without writing this time.)

While there is much I learned while experiencing Chinese culture, (like the fact that there are 1.2 Billion people who have never been told the truth), one of the most significant things that fascinated me was the acceptance of shallow relationships. What’s ironic is why their relationships are so shallow. It’s called “Saving Face.”

To “save face” means that you share nothing about yourself that would show weakness. That means that transparency is frowned upon. For example, someone from China could have had the worse disagreement and argument with their spouse that they’ve ever had, but the moment that person is in public, a smile is plastered on their face. Does any of this sound familiar?

They’re also obsessed with prosperity. That means that if you have lunch or dinner with someone in a restaurant, but don’t have any money, you still pay. In China, it’s incredibly difficult to get someone to allow you to buy their food. Everyone wants to be prosperous, and even if they aren’t, they want to appear that way. Anything sound familiar now?

Please don’t get me wrong. The Chinese people make up one of the most beautiful cultures that I’ve ever experienced. They’re kind, respectful, and giving. And I fell in love with the idea of serving them.  But transparency? That’s not allowed.

Losing face is against the rules.

The question is, what are the rules? And where did they come from? No one ever created a law in China that said “Thou Shalt Not Lose Face by Showing Thy True Self.” Yet for some reason, authenticity is not acceptable in their culture.

In America, no one ever said, “If you have issues, hide them. If you have debt, don’t tell anyone. Oh, and regardless of what your income or social status is, make sure you drive the car, wear the right clothes, and live in the right neighborhood.”

To be honest, I’m sick of trying to “save face.” Sure, we don’t call it that in American culture, but it’s the same thing. And it’s time to get real.  Actually, this all reminds of the story that got me thinking about this whole authenticity issue to begin with.

Last fall, a very close friend of mine, (who is in full-time ministry), called me to let me know two things:

1. He’s leaving the country for a few weeks to do some missions work.
2. He’s divorcing his wife.

Is it just me, or does something about that picture not seem right? Granted, he was being authentic in the midst of the conversation. In fact, he was being more transparent than I have ever experienced him to be. But getting there was a journey, and unfortunately, parts of the journey could have been avoided.

Apparently, the problems in his marriage weren’t new. Which didn’t make sense to me. I used to go to their house for dinner at least once a week, and they seemed like they belonged on a poster for the American Christian Family. Their kids were polite and respectful. They worked together, took family vacations, and had dinner together every evening around the same table. Most nights they even studied the Bible.  Their kids were even home-schooled, and with the exception of the Andy Griffith Show, they watched no media unless it was “faith-based” television, movies, or books.  (This is all a whole other discussion…)

So what happened? Well, that’s a question I can’t answer. But I do know why the issue(s) were never resolved. And they had plenty of time to resolve them. Apparently, they’ve been fighting ever since the their kids were born, and he and his wife haven’t slept in the same bed in years.

While we were talking, I asked a simple question: “Why didn’t you talk to someone?” His answer is something I’ll probably carry with me for the rest of my life…

“BJ, I couldn’t talk to anyone. Who was I going to talk to? I’m in ministry. If I told someone the truth about the state of my marriage, I’d be judged, because I’m held to a higher standard.”

Wow. Well, it isn’t a secret anymore. But as much as I’d like to, I can’t judge him. And not because he’s my friend, but because I’ve been telling lies for 24 years myself…about a lot of different things. And if you don’t think you have, then you’re lying to yourself. But the better discussion is, “Why?”

Why can we not be real with the people around us when things are hard? Why can we not ask for help because we’re in fear of being judged? Is it only the fault of those who don’t ask? Or have we created a society where people are judged, only to turn around and be greeted by hypocrisy? After all, why risk? Sometimes I don’t blame people. Why not just “save face”?

What if, instead, we created safe places where people could be real with each other? And what if those in leadership were real with the people they lead? If authenticity breeds authenticity, (and I believe it does), then maybe folks like my friend wouldn’t feel the pressure to show up in public, every day of his life, force another fake smile across his face and pretend to have it all together.  Because let’s face it…”faking it” destroyed his family and everyone got hurt.

The reality is, none of us really have it all together. Let’s be honest about the true mess we all find ourselves in, embrace the pain and suffering, allow it to belong, and get through it. Only through true community, authentic relationships, and God’s radical grace expressed through His followers, will that ever be possible.

I’m sure a lot of you are wondering when I’m going to put this whole “authenticity” thing to rest. The truth is, probably never. It’s now become a life-long pursuit. I’ve experienced the true freedom to be who I was created to be, and I’ve experienced genuine community in the way true relationship was designed to be. No more lies. No more painting pictures. And no more trying to shape, manage, and control the perceptions of other people. I’m now an honest human being, despite what others might think.  It’s only way to survive in a world filled with lies.

No more saving face.